Cosmic Diary by Gerry Harp
I swear that I’ll put some science blogs up, but right now I have something important to say! Always feel free to improve any attempted jokes by sending comments.
Everyone knows that there is nothing worse in the world for you than butter, right? But it tastes so good! And besides, they said for decades that margarine was more healthy than butter, but then they found out that there is nothing in the world worse for you health than margarine.
So butter is making a comeback. I even heard of a study that shows eating 4 oz. a day butter makes you smarter than you would be otherwise, though that is controversial.
But my mother-in-law will having nothing of it. She’s ate margarine for 50 years and she ain’t gonna quit now. My wife hails from Quebec, which is a French speaking state full of French people speaking French, surrounded by Canada. And boy do they like cheese! Wisconsin has nothing on Quebec. They eat cheese for breakfast every morning, with toast, and frequently have cheese as a pre dessert course at dinner.
And we’re talking serious cheese, stinky cheese, cheese that melts into pudding at room temperature I heard of a cheese; they start with cream, and to get the cheese going they add — crud from between their toes! I am not making this up. I haven’t had the experience of trying it yet, but I have to first conquer a cup of coffee made from coffee beans that were previously eaten, digested, and uh, eliminated by rats. If you don’t believe me, google “coffee rat poop.”
Getting back to milk, they make a “traditional” holiday drink in Japan called amazake. It is fermented milk — sort of the Japanese answer to egg nog. Ha ha! I am joking. It tastes exactly like vomit. This is the only food that has defeated me — I could not finish a 1 oz. cup. At first I manned up, “I’m not going to let this tiny drink beat me. I have my pride as a guy who’s willing to try anything and eat what he’s served. I guess no matter how strong you get, there is always some food out there that’s bigger than you.
But I’m getting off topic. When I pulled out the butter for my toast one morning Mrs. Pinet. By the way, I do NOT call her Alice, because that’s not her name. But even if it were, I may not call her first name. Mrs. Pinet suggested I use cheese instead. Its better for me. I said, hey, they’re made from the same stuff, what’s the big deal? Oh no, butter is much fatter than cheese.
Well here’s the slice. Butter is 80% butterfat (which leads to the question, what is in butter that isn’t butter?). Your super-duper triple cream cheese, that is the creme de la creme (Some brie, Cambozola, and American Red Hawk) have the same fat content. They are essentially spoiled butter. Choose your poison.
Regular (double-creme) Brie is only 3/4 as fatty as butter, so you can use just a little bit more. But who are we kidding? One dinky cocktail cracker can hold at least an ounce of Brie. When was the last time you ate an ounce of butter in one bite, when you were sober?
Cheddar is bedder, with only 2/3 the fat of butter. I bet that’s more than you thought!
Next I went for the bottom of the barrel, Kraft American pasturized process cheese singles, individually wrapped in plastic. The label says it is 60% fat. That’s right on target. But… what kind of fat? My concerns were immediately abolished when I read further down… “Kraft singles are always made with milk!” Whew! I was worried for a sec.
You’re hungry, and you have some leftovers from last week or packaged food that’s past the sell-by date, right in front of you, and you want to eat it right now! What do you do? If your’re me then, you’ll follows these steps. You can even do this without your reading glasses.
1) Examine the container. Is it bulging? Is that really a bulge or just that someone dropped it on the floor and dented it? I mean, botulism is really rare. Chances are its just a dent.
2) If air goes in when you open, OK. If air comes out, very not OK.
3) Stick your nose almost into the food and smell very carefully. With practice, you can spot “something wrong” with 99% accuracy. Getting this practice will include some trial and error, but its a good skill to have. Anything that smells like Acetone is probably not OK.
3) Taste it. If you don’t notice any “special flavors”, then eat it.
4) The sell-by date is more of a guideline than a rule.
Following these rules, I haven’t had food poisoning since college, besides at wedding receptions.
Trick: Try to eat food that is already spoiled, say cheese. Think about it, cheese can’t spoil b/c it is already been cultured with special bacteria instead of the “wild” kind. Think about how long that cream sits in a body-temperature “breeding environment” just like the rice you left on the stove last night with the heat on low low. If you eat the rice, you can experience projectile vomiting (don’t try this twice). Cheese is just the same. Or don’t think about it…
Your pre-spoiled options include yogurt, chocolate, salami, sourdough bread, kimchi, natto and beer. For more. Anyway, these foods last forever, because they can’t get any more spoiled than they already are.
(^_^), don’t take me seriously, although I am serious.